Ban the Fencers ~ Thomas Bordeaux

Here in the Western kingdom

We're inclusive as can be
We'd never rain on your parade
Just 'cause we don't agree
There's lots of ways to play this game
We want you to have fun
We'd never tell you what to do
Or what should not be done.

And if you are of the Nipponese
Well, that's all right with us
We'll let you be a Samurai
And we'll not make a fuss
Sure, Western Europe's more our style
But you're free to play your game
We'd never want to hem you in
'Cause it's really all the same

Chorus:
But ban the fencers
They're all hopeless thugs and thieves
They're dangerous, too brightly dressed
And recreating sleeves
Let's ban the fencers
'Cause with us they don't belong
And if you should see to disagree
Then you'd best move along.

And if you don't like costumes
And sewing is a bore
Just come to court in worn-out jeans
We'd never ask for more
It's more important what's inside
Than what you won't put on
We'd never tell you differently
For that would just be wrong.

And if you are of the Mongol Horde
Well, you need not come to court
What does that matter, anyhow?
With you we'll still consort
And you can call us "chugwa"
'Cause that just means "not tribe"
We're mindful of your hopes and dreams
Which we would not deride.

Chorus 

And when it comes to music
Just play what e'er you will
Beatles filks are quite alright
We never get our fill
Don't worry 'bout those "period" songs
Or about the way they're made
We'd rather hear the raunchy ones
About the girls you've laid.


So if you ever come up to the West
You know we'll treat you right
We'll party 'til the cows come home and
Howl at the moon all night
We'll tell you, "Welcome to the West
Now please take off your clothes!"
But leave your rapiers behind
We won't put up with those!

Yeah, ban the fencers
Who are they to act like knights?
And that White Scarf just makes me barf
We'll soon set things to right
We're gonna ban the fencers
'Cause they don't know right from wrong
And if you should see to disagree
Then you'd best move along!